A little sex and a lot of love

Today I attended a day-long conference with the other Dwellers and Matthew and his family on "Sex, Love and Marriage," with the keynote speaker Mark Driscoll, a nationally recognized Christian author and pastor. The conference outlined what Christian dating, relationships and marriage should look like, using an in-depth study of the Song of Songs (that's a book in the Bible.... FYI). Admittedly, I wasn't expecting much from it, but although there were many things I found troubling in what he said, I actually really enjoyed most of the conference.

Mark described how people normally view sex as either "God" or "Gross." The culture at large sees sex as "God" -- the ultimate pleasure in life, "The Best Thing." The Church usually views sex as "Gross" -- totally sinful, evil and only necessary for producing offspring. However, he advocates that the Church (and society at large, too, thanks to evangelism) should view sex as neither "God" nor "Gross," rather as a "Gift" (from God). It's not "The Best Thing" nor is it shameful. Rather, sex is a good thing that God gave us to enjoy and even use as an act of worship as we celebrate God's best creation, the human body (all within the context of a one man & one woman marriage--Mark's views not mine--but we won't talk about that).

I was very surprised (and kind of pleased) that Mark went into a lot of detail about how great sex is and why it's important to marriage -- I mean a LOT of detail. He also totally embraced the secular/scholarly commentary of Song of Songs that asserts the book is NOT some sort of metaphorical poem about God's covenant with humanity; rather it's all about sex. And that all those metaphors about lovers "tasting each other's fruit" really do mean what they sound like they mean (I'll never think of the term "servant lover" the same way again....)

However, when pressed, he basically said that BEFORE marriage, it's a sin for couples to even kiss ("before you're married, your relationship is as brother and sister in Christ, so don't do anything you wouldn't do with your brother/sister"). This greatly bothered me. I would say that such a view takes a far too legalistic interpretation of scripture. It's allowing the letter of the law to handicap the spirit of the law. Not to mention the fact that it just seemed almost unimaginably cruel to say such a thing to an audience of thousands of mostly single, attractive, hormone-crazy, twenty-something-year-old Christians the day before Valentine's Day after you've just told them both how awesome sex is once you ARE married AND that "committing adultery" in your mind/heart is just as bad as doing it with your body (and all of the implications that go along with that).

But the BEST thing Mark had to say wasn't about sex, it was about Love: "Love isn't a feeling. Love is a choice. Love is a commitment. Then, God, who is gracious, helps the good feelings to follow."

Earlier, he had talked about arranged marriages in various eastern cultures, and how they aren't all a bad thing because you learn to "love the one you marry" (rather than marrying the one you love). This has many implications for being in relationship with one another far outside the realm of romance and marriage. It's all about the church and community. We don't CHOOSE who we're in Christian community with. Some people are Christians/members of our church/members of our community whether we like them or not. And we have to learn how to love them.

That's what my housemates and I are slowly and painstakingly learning this year. The five of us would definitely not normally hang out together if we weren't all placed in this program. We would not have been friends otherwise. But we've made a commitment to loving each other. That doesn't mean we have to agree on everything or always get along. But it does mean that we are going to serve each other and affirm each other and stand by each other no matter what. The weird thing is, having made this commitment to love my fellow dwellers, I am now -- slowly but surely -- finding myself actually ENJOYING their company, even though they're people that I honestly wouldn't have given much of a chance in any other setting.

Love is the "greatest gift" that Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians chapters 12 and 13. Miraculous healings, speaking in tongues, drinking deadly poison and not being harmed -- all that fancy, showy religious stuff pales in comparison to the REAL miracle Christians perform. That is, we love each other and stick with each other despite the fact that apart from believing in Jesus as God's Son, we have nothing in common and would be hurling insults and clawing at each other's throats in most other settings.

It sounds cheesy, naive and idealistic, but my experience with intentional community here in LA gives me hope for the church. Making a commitment to love and then sticking to it and working at it (and it is HARD work!) really does make a huge difference in the way you view people who are different from you. I hope churches like the PCUSA can make a commitment to love.