Hopes, fears and expectations

It’s time to write the journal entry I meant to write two days ago. I actually wrote this yesterday as I was sitting at my gate in the Atlanta airport waiting to fly out to Louisville. Having said goodbye to my family for a year, I sat in the airport realizing that I will be doing the exact same thing in exactly a week as I leave for Lima.

I’m excited to leave a culture in which you’re defined by what you consume and what you do.

I hope to enter a culture in which you’re defined by who you are.

I’m excited about becoming fluent in Spanish.

I’m excited about learning how to live simply.

I’m excited about not feeling pressure to work, produce and accomplish individual accolades.

I’m excited about teaching people and learning from them at the same time.

I’m excited about gaining fresh perspectives on God, life, values and economics.

I’m excited about learning how to trust God to take care of things I usually try to control myself.

I’m excited about becoming part of a new family.

I’m excited about experiencing love and grace.

I’m excited about having plenty of time to read, write, pray and think.

I’m excited about meeting people who are open to fresh ideas and listening to my thoughts and dreams.

I’m excited about defying people’s stereotypes about white people from the US.

I’m excited about not “needing” a car.

I’m excited about leaving a political climate that hurts and divides people.

I’m excited about leaving a culture obsessed with achievement, money, work and appearance.

I’m excited about discovering who I am and becoming who God created me to be.

I’m scared that my year of service won’t live up to my high hopes and expectations about personal transformation.

I’m scared about being asked to pray out loud in Spanish.

I’m scared about leading bible studies and teaching children’s Sunday school in Spanish.

I’m scared that I have no clue how to teach English.

I’m scared of culture shock.

I’m scared of feeling utterly alone in a house filled with seven people and in a city of 8 million.

I’m sad about leaving my friends and family.

I’m scared about being bored.

I’m scared about being/thinking differently than my conservative evangelical brothers and sisters in the Presbyterian Church in South America.

I’m scared I’ll be tempted to come home.

I’m scared about being robbed.

I’m scared about getting hurt or sick.

I’m scared about becoming transformed.

I’m scared I won’t live up to the expectations of the churches in Lima.

I’m sad and frustrated about having to pay for drinking water.

I’m scared that I might confirm people’s stereotypes about people from the U.S.

I’m scared I won’t make a difference.

I’m scared about getting angry at the world and at my country.

I’m scared (sort of) that my host family won’t be that different after all (wealth, comforts, technology).

I’m scared I packed too much.

I know I have other hopes, fears and expectations, but these are the ones that come to mind as a sit in the airport.

Dear God, please keep me and the other YAVs safe during the upcoming year. Give me clarity to understand your will and the courage to work as your hands and feet in Peru. Thank-you for giving me the opportunity to travel and serve you. Help me to let go of my fears and naïve preconceived notions. Please bless my brothers and sisters in Lima as they sacrifice much to accommodate me. Amen.

Thoughts on packing

If I’m an average American, then Americans have too many t-shirts. I decided this while I was packing my bags tonight. Naturally, I left everything to the last minute, so while I was gathering the clothes I want to take to Peru for a year I was simultaneously folding up and putting away all of my other clothes that I’ll have to store back in the States. And that’s when I realized how many t-shirts I have. I picked out about ten to take to Peru and put all the others away. And I’d say I put away about three times as many as I packed. Meaning I have probably over 40 t-shirts. Ridiculous.

But t-shirts aren’t the only thing I have too much of. I have way more shorts, pants, shoes, and underwear than necessary, too. The only thing I don’t have too much of is socks – you really can’t ever have too many socks. I started thinking about all of this tonight, because in many ways, packing was a struggle. I ALWAYS overpack. I think it’s probably because I was an Eagle Scout. I pretty much have “Be Prepared” tattooed on my brain. I mean hey, you never know when there are going to be formal dinners on back to back nights – that extra suit and tie might really come in handy. So for Peru, I am determined not to overpack… too much. But as I began to weed out some of the unnecessary clothes and stuff, I started to realize that a lot of the reasons I thought I “needed” various things were really, really silly. For example, I decided to take a warm coat with insulation that can be “zipped out” so it functions as two coats in one. But for awhile I was also planning to take a lighter raincoat as well. That is, until I figured out that really the only reasons I was taking the lighter jacket were the possibility that the other one might get dirty and more importantly the fact that the outer shell of the heavier jacket still makes you look like you’re wearing a ridiculously large winter coat even after you’ve zipped out the insulation to turn it into the raincoat. So I was worried that everyone in Lima would think I was some weirdo walking around in a winter coat when it was just 60 degrees and raining.

Ridiculous, I know. I’m not sure why my thought process works that way. For 90% of the world, if it’s raining outside and you have a jacket, you wear it. Period. No matter if it “looks funny” or doesn’t match the rest of your outfit. I should just be thankful that I have a jacket, let alone TWO, and I have the luxury of leaving the other one at home, allowing me to have more space to pack things like a laptop and digital video camera (but we won’t go into that). Let’s just say I have a long, long way to go before I really have the whole “living simply” thing down.

Twenty Days Until Orientation!

This is my first post in the blogosphere! I'm off to Louisville, KY for orientation in 20 days.... that's only scary because a LOT of stuff has to happen between now and then!